It's been a long time since I've posted anything here.
In some ways, my world has changed a lot. In other ways, it hasn't changed at all.
So what am I doing back here? What is the point of this post? Where am I going with this blog? Is this one post and then I'll disappear again? I'm not sure I have any answers.
So what's changed.
I've moved. Not since my last post but the last few were just posts for the sake of having posts and pretty crappy so let's pretend they don't exist. I have a single family home now rather than a townhouse.
I have a reasonably large garden at my new house. My main garden area is about 20'x20' plus I have a couple smaller side plots. Though I don't seem to have the enthusiasm I had my first year. Hopefully this year I'll clean it up well this year and get more into it next year. Assuming I'm still here next year. Which I guess stands to be proven.
I've thought about getting a beehive but right now it's way too much commitment. Just think of all the honey and the better garden. But I can't handle that much commitment right now. It's like getting a pet. But yummier.
I have a large nice kitchen with decent appliances. But I seem to use it less than I used my kitchen in my apt 5 years ago that was less than a quarter the size of my current kitchen and crappy appliances that my pans barely fit on/in.
I have a new job. Well, it's not really new any more since I've been here over 2 years. And it's not really a new new job, it's a different but not all that unrelated job and with the same company at a different location. I seem to end up doing a lot of the same stuff as I was doing in my old job, which I guess is one of the things I'm struggling with.
I'm getting old. I'm now in my 30's. In the last couple years is the first time I've had coworkers who are younger than me and not entry level. Some of them are even somewhat competent. That's strange.
I'm also not the new kid. Once upon a time, I expected everyone I worked with to know what they are doing and be better at their job than I am at mine. Not any more. Which I guess is another thing I'm struggling with. The world is not as competent as I once thought, which is disheartening.
Like this post, in a lot of ways I am feeling very aimless. I am feeling pressured to want things that I don't want. Whether it's to get married and pop aliens out of an orifice that is clearly not sized for that, or to want to do the things that I've already done or move into roles, the thought of which, make me feel like my soul is drowning in a vat of hydroflouric acid. I know that these are things that I don't want but I don't know what it is that I do want.
So I guess this post is about just getting started and figuring things out. Trying to figure out what I want, rather than identifying the constraints of what I don't want. Figuring out where I want to go, literally and figuratively. What I want from life. What I want to do. What I care about. What matters.
I seem to be at a turning point. I guess it's a matter of what's next.
I started this post 2 months ago but never published. I feel a little exposed. I know this post is no where near as personal as many other blogs but this is much more than I typically share. I'm not quite sure how to end this post but if I don't hit publish, I probably won't ever.